Once a friend of mine told me he had problems with the expression \u201cI\u2019m sorry\u201d. We talked and figured out that came from way back when he was a little kid and his mother made him apologize for something he was convinced was not wrong. His resentment remained with him forever (six decades). His mother, probably well meaning, robbed him of something extremely important: learning how to dive into his own soul, face his faults with courage and come back with a true apology.<\/p>\n
Apologizing is not easy and unfortunately this is not taught at school, at church or in families. Rather, the widespread acceptance of fake apologies is the rule. Just performing the ritual and saying \u201cI\u2019m sorry\u201d is enough.<\/p>\n
Well, it is not. There are different situations in which you can wrong or hurt people. You can do it accidentally. Say you are in the subway, standing and holding on to something. The train stops and you step back for balance. You unwillingly step on a lady\u2019s foot and it hurts: you can see it on her face. You are very sad that you caused pain to this stranger, you hold her arm to help her and you say \u201cI\u2019m sorry, ma\u2019am\u201d. In this case, the full text is much more \u201cI am sorry this accident happened\u201d then \u201cI am sorry my inattention or clumsiness caused you pain\u201d. You are sorry for her pain \u2013 there is no guilt involved. You actually didn\u2019t do anything: you basically fell on her.<\/p>\n
But if you have a responsibility, fail to do your duty and, with this, you hurt someone, damage property or otherwise wrong other people, then you need to come forward, verbalize your wrong acts, the reason why they took place, acknowledge your faults by describing them, which usually involves horrible things to see in yourself, such as pride, laziness, self-centeredness, immaturity, lack of concern for others, failure to understand ethic codes and more.<\/p>\n
In other words, when you truly fail other people, the only way not to lose your honor forever is to make a full inventory of why you screwed up and do your best to make amends. Yes: you need to take action in order to show you actually mean to do something in order to restore the victim\u2019s respect for you. Moreover, you may never screwup in that specific way again. Never. Ever. You will screwup in other things: that\u2019s human nature. But when you seriously harm other people, you don\u2019t get to have a second chance on that issue. You burned that one.<\/p>\n
I had the unpleasant experience \u2013 not the first, not the last \u2013 of having people with or without serious character flaws (I am still not sure how bad the character flaws are, only that they are character flaws) screwup with me this past weekend. Not out of malice, like the enemies I (and most of you, I am sure) have. Out of their character flaws. But the damage was extremely serious and the acts almost or totally unforgivable.<\/p>\n
Their response was: \u201cHey, sorry pal, my bad\u201d. Right. My response to that: this is not an apology, whatever it is it is not accepted and very soon you will understand what it means to be on my bad side. It is to lose, forever, whatever you could learn or get from me, since I am pretty sure their relationship with me is merely instrumental.<\/p>\n
There are a few lessons to learn there. If they do fail to take the step into the unknown and dive into the horrors of their own flaws, which we all have, their honor is gone. From here, it is a downhill slide into letting go one by one the weak links that tied them to an honorable perspective and position in society, in the sport and in the professions.<\/p>\n
Am I sorry for them? Not really. I\u2019ve seen dozens of them. They build nothing and they make no positive difference in whatever they do. In one year I will have forgotten their names. But they will not forget mine.<\/p>\n
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