The scientists and the coach

The four of them drive to the departure site. Scientist 1 parks the car. They all leave it, carrying cameras, bags, laptops, phones, binoculars.

(Sc 1) So, here we are buddy! We’re so proud of you!

(Sc 2) We are! We’ve been through so much together just to get here. This epic moment…

(Coach) Oh, thanks, guys… but no need for all this, we got a long way to go…

(Sc 3) … actually you do.

(Coach) … what do you mean? What about you guys?

(Sc 1) We’ll watch you from here. Look: binoculars!

(Sc 2) Fingers crossed!

(Coach) What do you mean “fingers crossed”?! I thought you guys were coming!

(Sc 3) Sorry, buddy. Can’t do it…

(Sc 2) But you have so much experience! You’ll make it!

(Coach) And you?…

(Sc 1) Oh… we’ve got so many mice…

(Coach) So… that means I’m on my own?…

(Sc 2) Yup. But we’re confident you’ll make it.

(Coach) Why are you confident?

(Sc 2) As I said, you have a lot of experience. It’s stuff you got in your head that we ain’t got. And when you’re crossing a whatever, you really don’t want us to tell you that 74.6% of the mice didn’t make it.

(Sc 1) Yeah, you don’t need that.

(Sc 3) After all, they are mice. Who knows what will happen to humans? You’ve got your… experience…

(Sc 2) Yes, experience…

(Coach) Will you stop repeating that fucking experience thing?

(Sc 1) Well, what do you want us to call it? It’s not a sample in a research experiment. It’s not a controlled field observation. But you know you’ve made correct predictions based on that…

(Sc 3) Which means you have a good chance of getting there!

(Sc 1) … I’d say your chances are pretty good, about…

(Sc 2) Shut up.


(Coach) What happens when I get there? I mean… assuming I survive…

(Sc 3) It’s gonna be great! And it will be a fact..

(Sc 1)… even possibly a case study…

(Sc 2) Shut up. It won’t… he’s our friend.

(Coach) Guys, you’re scaring me.

(Sc 3) Don’t: trust your colon

(Coach) You mean gut

(Sc 3) Yeah, yeah, almost there, same thing

(Coach) … what do you know about trusting your gut or gut feeling?

(Sc 1) Actually there is no such thing as gut feeling but rather a parasympathetic…

(Sc 2) Shut up.

(Coach) Oww-kayyy…. So… see you there?

(Sc 3, singing) Breaking through to the other side!


(Coach) You will be there, won’t you?

(Sc 1) Actually, we have no idea where “there” is.

(Coach) What do you mean you don’t know! I’m taking this route here, I will arrive…

(Sc 2) You see, it’s hard to have a precise point of arrival… but you will get there!

(Sc 1) It’s not a linear trajectory, so actually there is no route, just a general…

(Sc 2 and 3) Shut up.

(Coach) What if I screw up and get hurt? What if I fucking die?

(Sc 1) Well, death is a f…

(Sc 2 and 3) Will you shut the fuck up?!

(Sc 1) Here, chances are nothing really bad will happen. Trust that.

(Sc 3) Also, honestly, we’d only slow you down… there’s nothing we can give you that would help you in virgin territory. We’re helpless there.

(Sc 2) We have no equipment in the wild. None, zilch. But we love you!

(Coach) Got it. Yeah… you’re right. Is there anything I can do to get us a little further next time?

(Sc 3) I’d say write down everything you see, do or experience. With all detail you can register.

(Sc 1) Take pictures and video-tape all you can. Send it to us. If it makes any sense to us, we’ll be more helpful at the lab, analyzing your data and sending you whatever directions we can.

(Sc 3) Did you bring water?

(Coach) here

(Sc 1) Dry food?

(Coach) here

(Sc 2) Coat? T-shirt?

(Coach) why?

(Sc 2) Because there are 53% chances of… nothing…

The three scientists hug the coach.

(Sc 1) Remember: trust your duodenum!

(Coach) It’s kidneys.

(Sc 3) Really?!

(Coach) Of course not. See you, guys.

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